So I got very nostalgic when I heard that Paramount and Nickelodeon were making a Smurfs CGI film scheduled to come out in 2010.  I was skeptical, because I was concerned about some remakes of other Saturday morning cartoons.  Garfield and The Chipmunks were both pretty much destroyed by the Hollywood ‘hit’ machine, and the last thing I wanted was for the Smurfs to be next on the list.

My fears were allayed somewhat when I saw some of the pre-liminary mock-ups of the CGI effects showing the Smurf Village.  (I’d really prefer it be traditional 2-D animation, but I know that isn’t going to happen.)

Not bad at all!

I think I would be happy with the result based on this preview image.  However, based on a rumor posted on Boing Boing blog, my hopes for a good Smurfs film, even a decent Smurfs film, is going up in smoke.

Apparently, someone is working on a live action Smurfs film.  Live action.  Not animated.  Not CGI.  Live action.  That is, with live actors.  This is terrible news for fans of The Smurfs, because I see no way that this will not be a complete and total disaster.  No matter who is cast for these roles, the actors aren’t going to measure up to their animated counterparts.  That is the problem with live-action versions of cartoons.  See The Flintstones for an example  The only exception to this rule would be Scooby Doo, and even then the film-makers had the common sense to make Scooby Doo CGI.

It gets worse.  There is no sugar-coating this news.  Casting rumors?  John Lithgow as Papa Smurf, and Wallace Shawn as Gargamel.  Absolutely garbage choices.  I won’t be seeing this movie.  I won’t be renting this movie.  I pity anyone who ends up watching it.  I took the liberty of putting together some mock-ups of what I think this film will end up looking like.

I can't imagine the real thing looking much better...

Inconceivable, indeed...

I have no words.  If these rumors are true, this film is going to smurfing smurf.

Here we go again...

I mentioned in a previous blog post that Dimension Films has picked up the rights to remake Short Circuit, the very average 80’s comedy about a robot with a central processing unit of gold.  I guess they think lightning will strike twice (get it?  no?  read the plot summaries below).  I didn’t think this was a good idea at the time, and I still don’t, but now I have another reason to dread this film.

Two reasons, actually.

Reason the first: Steve “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” Carr has been attached to direct the film.  To be fair, I haven’t seen Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but I have the uncanny ability to tell how good a movie is going to be based on the trailer.  And I saw the trailer to Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  That is not a good movie.  I’m sure it’s OK.  But it isn’t good.  If that wasn’t enough (and it is), this is also the director behind such schlock as Daddy Day Care, Are We Done Yet?, and Dr. Dolittle 2.  Be afraid…be very afraid.

Reason the second: they are goofing with the plot.  Assuming you aren’t familiar with the plot to the original movie (shame on you!), here it is from IMDB.com: “Number 5, one of a group of experimental military robots, undergoes a sudden transformation after being struck by lightning. He develops self-awareness, consciousness, and a fear of the reprogramming that awaits him back at the factory. With the help of a young woman, Number 5 tries to evade capture and convince his creator that he has truly become alive.”

Now, here is the summary of the plot for the remake: “Built by the military to be a highly sophisticated weapon, Johnny 5 develops a conscience and personality after being hit by lightning. He befriends a lonely boy and his fractured family.” This does not sound promising.  While the original movie was no prize, this has the potential to be considerably worse.  I don’t need a Harry and the Henderson’s with a robot standing in for the sasquatch.  I don’t need an E.T. with a robot standing in for the alien.   And let’s face it: nothing runis a movie faster than a terrible child actor.

Based on these reasons, I don’t think I’ll be seeing this film in the theater.  Unless Fisher Stevens reprises his character ‘Abu’ from the original two films.  His character has become a running joke between myself and some friends, so it would be worth going to the theater on opening day just to yell out random things at the scream in Abu’s accent.  “We will be letting roll the good times, I assure you!”

Faceman, B.A., Murdock, and Hannibal. Sort of.

Growing up in the 80’s , I watched a lot of television.  Oddly enough, one of the shows that I didn’t watch with regularity was the A-Team.   A-Team first aired on Tuesdays at 8:00 on NBC in 1983-1984, but I didn’t watch it with regularity.  Apparently, I was more interested in the combination of Just Our Luck / Happy Days on ABC (once again, my love for goofy shows with magic costs me…why I’m not watching Wizards of Waverly Place right now, I don’t know).  In ‘84-’85 the competition was less fierce, but the allure of Foul-Ups, Bleeps & Blunders on ABC was too great.  In ‘85-’86, the A-Team didn’t have a chance compared with Who’s the Boss (“ANGELERR!”) and Growing Pains. In ‘86-’87, A-Team was moved to Friday, but the dynamic duo of Webster and Mr. Belvedere proved to be too enticing.  Interestingly, I was always watching ABC when I could have been watching NBC.  Boy, ABC sure has gotten worse…

Well, Hollywood is continuing it’s dearth of original ideas, and the A-Team being remade as a film.  Above (thanks Shoppingblog.com) is the first photo from the film showing the new stars.  The photo shows Bradley Cooper (of The Hangover fame) as Lt. Tempelton “Faceman” Peck, American mixed martial artist Quinton Jackson as B.A. Baracus, Sharlto Copley (District 9) as Mad Murdock and Liam Neeson as Gen. John “Hannibal” Smith.

I can’t say I’ m too excited about this.  The casting is just OK, in my opinion.  These Hollywood remakes have been largely disappointing (Dukes of Hazzard, anyone?), so I don’t think this is going to be a great film.  I’m sure it will perform averagely in the box office, but it will be a typical one-and-done summer popcorn action flick.  If you go in with low expectations, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.

I’ll probably rent it, but I don’t see myself paying full price to see this film on the big screen.  Sorry, Hollywood…you’re going to have to try harder than this.  Where does the ridiculous remake cycle end?  How far away are we from Mork and Mindy: The Movie?  Is Hollywood this creatively bankrupt?  Sadly, it just might be.

I was bored yesterday, so I watched Short Circuit through my super-cool XBOX 360 / Netflix feature.  I hadn’t seen the film in a long time, and I thought I would log a little time with it.  I wasn’t expecting anything great, and of course, the movie isn’t great at all, but it was still enjoyable enough.  The acting was bad (Fisher Steven’s character was Apu from the Simpsons before Apu was Apu) and some of the effects looked ridiculous, but if you mentally prepare yourself to overlook its many flaws, I think most people can enjoy it.

The movie raised a few questions for me.  For starters, why must Steve Guttenberg and G.W. Bailey always be at odds in 80’s movies?  Do they hate each other in real life?  Certainly they are professionals, but I think it would be hard off to turn off those emotions.  G.W. Bailey has spent months…no, years of his life pitting himself against Steve Guttenberg in various movies only to be stymied at every turn.  I know that he most have some antipathy towards Mr. Guttenberg.  Then again, Mr. Bailey has arguably had the better career, so he probably sleeps well at night.  And speaking of Steve Guttenberg, who thought it would be a great idea casting him as some kind of robotic genius?  This was the most implausible casting choice ever.

Oddly enough, Dimension Films has picked up the rights to re-make Short Circuit.  This is ridiculous to me, since while Short Circuit isn’t terrible, it isn’t worthy of a re-make.  So, if it gets the green light, I guess we can look forward to Johnny Five living again.

Majel Barrett Roddenberry passed away yesterday after battling leukemia. She had a long, happy life I suppose, but I was still surprised when I heard that she had died. Several people died yesterday when Majel Barrett Roddenberry died. Nurse Christine Chapel died, Lwaxana Troi (Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed) died, and, most devastatingly to me personally, the voice of the Star Trek computer died. I am more bummed out about this than I care to admit. Thankfully, she was able to reprise her role, and just a few weeks ago completed her voice-work for the new Star Trek movie. But the Star Trek franchise will never be the same with her passing.

My favorite franchise is the Star Trek: The Next Generation, and this is where I had most of my exposure to Mrs. Roddenberry in her role of Lwaxana Troi. I’m not going to lie and say I loved every episode that she was in. ‘Dark Page’ was a real downer, although well-acted. ‘Half a Life’ was also a real downer, where Lwaxana falls in love with Winchester from M*A*S*H who plays an alien doomed to ritual euthanasia. ‘Haven’ and ‘Manhunt’ were some of her better episodes (her chemistry with Patrick Stewart was excellent, and his portrayal as a mortified Captain Picard avoiding her romantic advances was always enjoyable). Her worst episode by far was the dreadful, ATROCIOUS, ‘Cost of Living’ where she hangs out with the annoying Alexander Rojhenko for half of the episode, taking mud baths in the holodeck. Absolute dreck, but this wasn’t her fault, and she did the best with what she could.

You will be missed, Majel Barrett Roddenberry. Thanks for the many hours of entertainment you helped to provide. “Scotty, one to beam up to Heaven.”

Ace Ventura, Jr.

Why does an awful movie need an even more awful sequel?  The trailer for this movie looks bad beyond belief.  Check it out here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YN5GfY-UEAk

I guess I should rejoice that this dreck will not be in theaters, as it is wisely (and mercifully) being released straight to DVD.

Check back next week for Exhibit B.

Twenty years ago today, the movie “Big Business” opened in theaters.  Being an identical twin and raised in a small town in West Virginia, this movie holds some special meaning to me.  I’m not proud of this fact, but that’s just the way it is.  But to celebrate this milestone, I am writing a quick review of the movie.

This farce stars Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler both playing dual roles of identical twins switched at birth.  The movie opens, inexplicably, to an overly-loud soundtrack playing “42nd Street”.  We see the limousine of a rich, snooty New York couple traveling in West Virginia to look at a beach house they are wanting to purchase.  Of course, West Virginia is landlocked and doesn’t have a beach, per se, but ignore that — there are bigger plot holes than that in this film, and if you try to analyze it rationally, your head will explode.

Anyway, while driving through the small town of Jupiter Hollow, the rich wife goes into labor, and has to have the baby at the local hospital.  At first, in a plot contrivance worthy of, well, many bad 80’s movies, the mother is initally denied treatment at the hospital.  For some reason, the owner of the local HollowMade furniture factory decides who is treated at the company hospital, so the rich New York guy buys the furniture company, allowing his wife to use the local hospital.  At about the same time, a poor local couple comes in to have their baby.  Well, as 80’s comedy fate would have it, both mothers give birth to identical twin girls.  But due to the confusing hijinx of the nurse, she mixes up the babies, and puts one New York girl and one West Virginia girl in each crib.  Why nobody thought to double-check this, I don’t know.  Still, if they had, there wouldn’t be a movie, so let’s not dwell on that.  The New York couple decides to name their daughters Rose and Sadie, and the West Virginia dad, overhearing this suggestion, decides to name his chillun’ Rose and Sadie, too.  I know what you are thinking.  “This sounds hilarious!  Is there more movie, or is that it?”  You are in luck.  There is much more to come.

Fast forward, oh…, 30 odd years into the future.  The New York couple are dead, but their daughters, Rose and Sadie Shelton are running their company, Moramax.  I don’t know if this was a dig at Miramax, or if it was some kind of attempt at a generic name for a big company (“More – a – Max”.  More…max…you get the idea…it’s a big company).  Well, Bette Midler plays Sadie, who is a ruthless, conniving corporate type — the very picture of her departed mother.  Lily Tomlin plays Rose, a flighty, simple-minded woman who isn’t comfortable in a board room and instead longs for a garden and a dog named Duke.  Get the idea here?  The premise of the movie is that “nature” completely trumps “nurture” when it comes to determining your personality.  Still, I think they take it a bit too far, as if New Yorkers have “evolved” a natural instinct for ruthlessness, while West Virginian’s are naturally drawn to…quilts, I guess.

Well, Sadie is planning for a big meeting with the shareholders of Moramax, and she has the perfect idea to make them all a bunch of money.  Apparently, Moramax has a small holding in Jupiter Hollow, West Virginina.  A little furniture store named HollowMade that makes porch swings and rocking chairs by hand.  Sadie wants to sell the furniture to an Italian developer so that he can strip mine the area.  For the unitiated, strip mining is a very ecologically destructive form of mining, and it is very unpopular in West Virginia.  Well, that isn’t exactly true.  It is an unpopular means of mining to the people of West Virginia, but it is VERY popular to some coal companies in West Virginia, ’cause it kinda happens a lot.  Rose is against this strategy, because she has an unnatural affinity to these idyllic, picturesque settings.  Still, Sadie’s the “in charge” twin, so what she says, goes.

Meanwhile, back in Jupiter Hollow, Rose Ratliff is organizing her union and other backwoods bumpkin buddies into rising up against the evil Moramax who want to get rid of their Hollowmade furniture company.  However, her sister Sadie isn’t much interested in saving this area, but instead longs for the bright lights of the big city.  This country mouse, city mouse crap carries on throughout the entire movie, and becomes increasingly annoying.  Rose is raising money to go to New York to confront the fiends at Moramax, and Sadie excitedly tags along.  In a useless plot point, Rose’s paramour Roone Dimmick is a champion putt-putt golfer who is counting on Rose to cheer him on at the mini-golf masters, but she neglects to tell him about her trip and instead exits the holler’ in the wee hours of the morning.

I’m going to skip the rest of the details of this movie.  In short, both sets of sisters end up in the Plaza hotel, and they keep almost running into each other but never quite pulling it off.  When they finally meet, they don’t even go into detail as to how the mix-up took place, but just quickly mention that the nurse “must” have got confused.  The girls take this extremely life-altering event in stride, and pretty much forget that it happened for the rest of the movie (admittedly, 10 minutes).  The ruthless Sadie Shelton is ganged up on by the two Roses and country Sadie, who lock her into a closet.  Country Sadie speaks to the investors and urges them not to get rid of the Hollowmade furniture company.  The investors get angry, but city Rose steps up and defends the decision, and inexplicably, the investors agree to lose money.  This plot point is ridiculous.  Even dumber, each of the sisters has a love interest, and they inexplicably end up with a twin they weren’t expecting.  For example, in a strange turn of events, Roone ends up with the city Rose instead of the country Rose, who ends up with Michael Gross from Family Ties.  I’m not making this up.  The girls each leave the Plaza hotel one at a time with their true loves, to the overpowering strains of “Higher Love” by Steve Winwood.

This isn’t a great movie, but I have to admit having a soft place in my heart for this movie.  I can’t defend it, and it is quite annoying, but I remember watching it in the theater as a kid, and it will always be one of those classic 80’s movies to me.  If you like “separated at birth” comedies, or “identical twins almost running into each other” comedies, give this movie a chance.  Sure, you’ll be disappointed, but you’ll get to see a young Seth Green, an old Mary Gross, a thin Edward Herrmann, and a (now dead) Roy Brocksmith, the character actor I will always remember as the creepy guy who threatened to lobotomize Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.  Have a blast!